What your caffeine source of choice says about you

There are an abundance of caffeine sources out there. But some are inherently better than others. Here’s a definitive breakdown of some of the most popular caffeine sources, and what they might say about you.

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Decaf coffee: Oh you’re one of those people? Decaf coffee = useless, warm brown water. Yeah, sure it still tastes good, but it’s like drinking non-alcoholic beer. Like, why?!ThetruthaboutDecafcoffee-1866

Diet Coke: You like the taste of sugar, but not the actual thing. You’ve managed to keep your caffeine dependency relatively tame, but your cola addiction is a differently story. You’re constantly on the lookout for a cherry-colored vending machine. You try to deny your love of both sugar and caffeine, but succeed at neither. Twelve ounces of Diet Coke has about 47 mg of caffeine.

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Excedrin Migraine: Yes, your migraine meds contain caffeine. Maybe that migraine you think you have is actually your brain nerves crying for caffeine. Ever think about that?

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Starbucks Tazo Awake tea: Your caffeine addiction is on its way to becoming great, but it’s not quite there yet. At least you’re trying. 16 ounces gives you about 135 mg of caffeine.

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Caffeine powder: I did not make this up. 100% pure white pharmaceutical grade caffeine powder. This is for people who ain’t got no time to mess around with trying to hunt down a caffeinated beverage during the day. They need to be able to just dump the desired amount of caffeinated goodness into whatever they’re already eating/drinking. This person is all about convenience.

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IV: Wowza, you’re hardcore. Honestly, why are you even reading this blog? (This isn’t actually a thing, but it needs to be).

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Red Bull/Monster/Kickstart: You like soda, but you’re impatient with its measly 50 or so milligrams of caffeine. Instead you opt for the 80 mg in a shiny 8.4 ounce can of liquified sugar.

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Hershey’s Special Dark Chocolate bar: For you, taste > caffeine. You’ll get about 20 mg of caffeine per 1.5 ounces.

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Coffee: Good coffee comes in all shapes and sizes. You know what’s good in life. Coffee is natural and from the earth. It’s like a gift from Mother Nature. And hey, if it’s too bitter for you, throw in some cream and sugar. (Or just drink it black like a real champ). Treat yourself to a latte, or a cappuccino or an extra espresso shot. It’s good at any time of day, is a guaranteed mood-booster AND generally gives you the more energy than most other caffeine sources. It can have as much as 500 mg of caffeine per 200 ounces. Ah.

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How to make sure everyone knows about your caffeine addiction

Are you a caffiend? Then let the world know about your undeniable caffeine addiction! Caffeine users are usually tireless workers who need a little extra brain stimulation to accomplish all of what they want to in a day. They’re clever individuals who understand the power of a chemical kick in the pants. So, without further ado, here are a few ways to take pride in your mild physical dependence. 

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First, it’s imperative that you transport your coffee stylishly. You can’t say you’re a caffeine addict if you don’t have chic caffeine canisters. That’s like calling yourself a fashion expert while wearing Crocs. I recommend Zazzle and Photojojo

Decor is entirely necessary. If you can get your hands on a real coffee bean burlap bag, hang it on your wall or use it as a curtain. 

Let the blessed aroma of robusta linger throughout your home. 

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Construct somewhat of a shrine near your caffeine source. 

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Ever daydreamed about bathing in coffee? Well you can! Ground coffee is a fantastic exfoliant, and caffeine actually has lots of great benefits to offer your skin. It stimulates blood flow, which keeps your complexion glowing. Frank coffee scrubs come in a variety of delicious scents. 

Social media is a wonderful tool for professing your love. 

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Eventually your social circle will start to go with it. 

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Come back next week for the second installation of “Caffeined.” Go forth and be caffeinated.