What your caffeine source of choice says about you

There are an abundance of caffeine sources out there. But some are inherently better than others. Here’s a definitive breakdown of some of the most popular caffeine sources, and what they might say about you.


Decaf coffee: Oh you’re one of those people? Decaf coffee = useless, warm brown water. Yeah, sure it still tastes good, but it’s like drinking non-alcoholic beer. Like, why?!ThetruthaboutDecafcoffee-1866

Diet Coke: You like the taste of sugar, but not the actual thing. You’ve managed to keep your caffeine dependency relatively tame, but your cola addiction is a differently story. You’re constantly on the lookout for a cherry-colored vending machine. You try to deny your love of both sugar and caffeine, but succeed at neither. Twelve ounces of Diet Coke has about 47 mg of caffeine.


Excedrin Migraine: Yes, your migraine meds contain caffeine. Maybe that migraine you think you have is actually your brain nerves crying for caffeine. Ever think about that?


Starbucks Tazo Awake tea: Your caffeine addiction is on its way to becoming great, but it’s not quite there yet. At least you’re trying. 16 ounces gives you about 135 mg of caffeine.


Caffeine powder: I did not make this up. 100% pure white pharmaceutical grade caffeine powder. This is for people who ain’t got no time to mess around with trying to hunt down a caffeinated beverage during the day. They need to be able to just dump the desired amount of caffeinated goodness into whatever they’re already eating/drinking. This person is all about convenience.


IV: Wowza, you’re hardcore. Honestly, why are you even reading this blog? (This isn’t actually a thing, but it needs to be).


Red Bull/Monster/Kickstart: You like soda, but you’re impatient with its measly 50 or so milligrams of caffeine. Instead you opt for the 80 mg in a shiny 8.4 ounce can of liquified sugar.


Hershey’s Special Dark Chocolate bar: For you, taste > caffeine. You’ll get about 20 mg of caffeine per 1.5 ounces.


Coffee: Good coffee comes in all shapes and sizes. You know what’s good in life. Coffee is natural and from the earth. It’s like a gift from Mother Nature. And hey, if it’s too bitter for you, throw in some cream and sugar. (Or just drink it black like a real champ). Treat yourself to a latte, or a cappuccino or an extra espresso shot. It’s good at any time of day, is a guaranteed mood-booster AND generally gives you the more energy than most other caffeine sources. It can have as much as 500 mg of caffeine per 200 ounces. Ah.



How to make sure everyone knows about your caffeine addiction

Are you a caffiend? Then let the world know about your undeniable caffeine addiction! Caffeine users are usually tireless workers who need a little extra brain stimulation to accomplish all of what they want to in a day. They’re clever individuals who understand the power of a chemical kick in the pants. So, without further ado, here are a few ways to take pride in your mild physical dependence. 


First, it’s imperative that you transport your coffee stylishly. You can’t say you’re a caffeine addict if you don’t have chic caffeine canisters. That’s like calling yourself a fashion expert while wearing Crocs. I recommend Zazzle and Photojojo

Decor is entirely necessary. If you can get your hands on a real coffee bean burlap bag, hang it on your wall or use it as a curtain. 

Let the blessed aroma of robusta linger throughout your home. 


Construct somewhat of a shrine near your caffeine source. 


Ever daydreamed about bathing in coffee? Well you can! Ground coffee is a fantastic exfoliant, and caffeine actually has lots of great benefits to offer your skin. It stimulates blood flow, which keeps your complexion glowing. Frank coffee scrubs come in a variety of delicious scents. 

Social media is a wonderful tool for professing your love. 

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Eventually your social circle will start to go with it. 

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Come back next week for the second installation of “Caffeined.” Go forth and be caffeinated.